It was late into 2005. I was a freshman at college and was still in the process of breaking away from my old high school life and persona. I was amazed at the prospect of new beginnings where I could be anyone I wanted. And out of all those things, dating was one of those things I kept telling myself I wouldn't be able to experience until college. Why college? That's where I can start over fresh without the old school reputation to follow.
So late into my first semester, I was about to be introduced into the world of dating. Little did I know, that I was not ready for it with the state of mind I had. But I didn't know that then. I was 19 and stupid. I had a whole life ahead of me, as well as stories to tell.
One one October night, an old friend had a birthday party. Not only was this a typical birthday party, but it was going to be the one night that would set a massive chain of events in motion (gotta love that domino effect). Not long after my arrival, I was introduced to Eliza, who was in the living room destroying all the guys at Halo. At first sight, I knew this was going to be awesome. Back then, not many of my lady friends embraced video games, if any. This was still before I would learn that female gamers weren't as mythical as unicorns, they were very much real and everywhere (just not to my knowledge). That night, we played Halo for hours. We laughed at how much I sucked at this game (and still do), while slowly getting to know each other and breaking the ice with the magic of video games.
Of course, how else are you going to light a spark between nerds?
In the weeks that followed, everything seemed to be going well. We stayed in touch often and I was starting to feel an attraction that soon was going to hijack my brain and turn it into levels of stupid I haven't encountered. I've heard people say many things about young love, one of them being that your brain turns off. This was the first girl that was possibly showing interest in me. So what was I going to do as a kid who always wanted a relationship, I let logic out the door and tapped into the part of me that's been lonely and desperate.
Yeah, this wasn't going to end well...
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| 19 year-old me in a nutshell |
I persuaded Eliza into starting a relationship, which at the time seemed like a good idea. Now that I'm older and a bit wiser, I think to myself: who asks that question without even going on an official first date? I'll tell you who, this dingus right here! Despite that, we did manage to go on a few dates and everything seemed fine. That is, until I was in too deep and realized I had a bigger investment in this than she had.
After a few dates, I wanted to bring her into my group of friends. But that's where the problems started showing up (and by problems, I mean my own stupidity). Asking her last minute to come down to see me didn't go so well, especially since she had plans and surely I couldn't rationalize that time apart is okay. The desperate lonely kid was starting to tear everything apart without knowing. He was trying to move too fast.
And then the Christmas season approached. In what became our last date, as well as an overall bad night for me, I decided to raise the stakes and go for broke. I had a friend pick up us after our date and drop her off at her house on the way to mine. When we approached her house, I gave her a gift and somehow, managed to screw things up big time.
"Eliza."
"Yes? What's up?"
"Before you go, I just wanted to say..."
I think she knew where this was going, and I didn't pick up on the signals. This would have been a good time to stop while I was ahead. I could have derailed and told her I had a nice evening.
Don't say it.
Please, don't say it.
"I love you!"
Well, no taking that back now. Besides, what's the worst that could happen? Oh yeah, now I remember. Eliza burst into laughter and ran away faster than you could say pretty much any word. Then again, she probably was just laughing out of nerves or something. That event was still a bit foggy, but I remember the laughter and her running away. Who can blame her, though? I made her really uncomfortable and she had every right to leave. But I didn't see it that way at 19.
I sat there in silence for what felt like ages, until I heard my friend laughing from the driver's seat. And from there, we left. Little did I know, I wouldn't see her again for another 9 years.
The aftermath of the relationship left me both embarrassed and bitter. For years, I was forced to learn the ins and outs of how relationships worked. And Eliza indirectly taught me that first lesson, patience. If something good is there, don't rush into it or you'll run into a wall and perhaps lose the biggest opportunity of your life. But I didn't know that at 19. I learned that almost a decade later.
To this day, Eliza will always be the one that got away. All because I was too young and stupid to realize I had the perfect girl on my first try, but it was me who wasn't ready.
In present day, we are on good terms and see each other every summer when I visit my hometown. And even though I know time can't be reversed, I can only imagine how things would be today had I used my brain instead of just blindly rushing into a situation. But it's okay, because the other relationships that followed were going to beat tons of lessons into me, whether I liked it or not.
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